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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.