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Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.