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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Never trust a skinny chef
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".