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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? Iām always ready for bed
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.