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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?