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I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.