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Jesus is coming.... look busy
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.