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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.