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Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.