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I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!