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I put the o in illiterate!
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
I drink coffee for your protection.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.