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Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.