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There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.