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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..