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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.