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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"