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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.