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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I just awesomed all over the place.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!