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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.