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If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.