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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Does this status update make me look fat?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Line forms here for spankings
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I