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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.