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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.