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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - Iād worship him too.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone