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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.