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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.