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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
is "insert clever remark here."
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.