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This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.