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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
drinks well with others.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"