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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.