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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I dream about naps.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.