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Which wine goes best with more wine?
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.