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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside