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I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?