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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."