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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
My favorite beer is an open one.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch