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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.