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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.