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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Don`t believe everything you think.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"