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You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”