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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.