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This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.