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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.