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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.