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Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
I only accept apologies in cash.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?