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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
This recliner and I go way back.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers