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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.