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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.