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Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?