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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.