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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.