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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.