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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.