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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
At least a stalker is there for you.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.