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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.