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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"