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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.