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Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".