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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."