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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying