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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...