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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist