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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.