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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.