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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!