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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone