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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.