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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!