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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.