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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”