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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.