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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.