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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.