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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.