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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
It’s not pretty being easy.