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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.