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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."