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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.