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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels