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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.