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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?