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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.