Daily Silly Status

GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.

One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."

Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.

Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.

This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"

I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough

I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.

I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..

I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.

I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)

If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.