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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.