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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.