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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.