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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.