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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.