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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
You had me at 0 mutual friends