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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."