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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle