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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
TEIAM - problem solved
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!