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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.