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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.