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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.