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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"