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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.