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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I wish I had a friend like me
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.