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I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.