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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!