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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)