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The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.